did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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