I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
