I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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