i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
