Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
