I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
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