I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
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His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
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My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
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