I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
