im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
When are your genitals available?
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
