My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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