so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
