It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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