paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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