I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
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my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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