we'll go far in life on tits alone.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Randomize
