Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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