Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
