five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Randomize
