I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
did i just pee glitter
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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