She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Randomize
