i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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