My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
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