Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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