i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
