the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
only you would photoshop your dick
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I need to align my fucking chakras
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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