My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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