Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
third nipple confirmed
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Randomize
