Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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