I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
