I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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