Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
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