Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
