so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Randomize
