Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
