I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
