Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
