i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Randomize
