Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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