how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
