remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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