to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
You are a genius and a whore.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
