peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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