but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
it's like iHOP with fire
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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