I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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