God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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