i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
