He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
