My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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