yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
