ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Randomize
