If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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