We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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