I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
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